I recently read an article that quoted “I’m a survivor not a victim” with regards to sexual abuse. It struck me how profound this single line was- for years I was a ‘victim’, I hated the world and wanted some form of justice for anybody that had hurt me, and then I realised it wouldn’t change anything. So I have something to say..
To the boys who have asked girls to do ‘what them girls do’- I forgive you.
To the colleague and old friend who assumed it was fine to make a move on a sixteen year old girl – I forgive you.
To the guys stalking girls because they wouldn’t give you ‘what you wanted’ – I forgive you.
To the guys spiking our drinks for your own satisfaction- I forgive you.
To the guys whistling and shouting horrid things down the street- I forgive you.
This week I’ve been thinking a lot and I’m tired with trying to ‘blame’ anybody, I’m fed up of people saying ‘this persons abuse victim speaks out’. Because putting it so simply would imply that it only happens to a few people or is only carried out by a few people.
I tried to talk to people, I told friends about that colleague and was met with ‘ah it’s just how he is he means no harm’, yet it seemed pretty terrifying to me. I told people about other incidents and have been met with ‘well what were you wearing?, why were you alone with him (a friend?), well you do wear make up to work and skinny jeans what is he meant to think?’
I have battled for years to understand how something that is in society’s eyes our fault can hurt so much, can lead to such a distrust of other people and devaluing our own bodies. Lately though I realised I’m not their victim, none of us are truely the victim of one person. I was a victim of society- a victim to the attitude that women are objects, toys to be used whenever you feel like it. A victim to the horrendous rape culture that states it’s our fault for dressing a certain way (skinny jeans apparently fit this too) or looking a certain way.
This isn’t to shame anybody or make anybody feel sorry for me- I’ve dealt with what I have been through and I’ve come out much stronger and more self aware.
There is just one thing I want to say to everybody who ever made me, or thought I was, a victim- I forgive you.
I forgive you for teaching me and many others that this world still has a lot to fix. I forgive you for teaching me to speak out and stand up for what I believe in under the worst circumstances- but because of this I am determined to drastically change this culture.
Statistics like this prove how far this world has to come; (full article found here).
- Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that’s roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour. These figures include assaults by penetration and attempts.
- Nearly half a million adults are sexually assaulted in England and Wales each year
- 1 in 5 women aged 16 – 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16
- Only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence choose to report to the police
- Approximately 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator prior to the offence (this one is the one that I found most unsettling).
I forgive you for the years of suffering and questioning myself, my identity and my worth- because I found God. I now know my worth and my strength and know that I am capable of making a difference to so many other people whether they view themselves as a victim or a survivor.
I forgive you for everything that gave me a purpose because together with every other survivor, we will change societies view on women and abuse. We will make sure that young boys are taught to value their counterparts (and vice versa), we will teach our teenagers their self worth and that it should never be found in how another views you. We will change rape culture and end the attitude that it is still a woman’s fault- perhaps she should have dressed a little better, maybe she didn’t shout loud enough or perhaps didn’t fight back enough- no means no, period.
inthistogether2016 